For the days I worry I wont get past.

From the words of others that are hurtful as they resonate.

When each and every bone feels the reverberation of your loss.

When I remember his face. When my knees hit the ground. When my world flipped and I spun sideways.

How do I leave it behind? How do I lighten the load? How do I not feel it in each and every unforgiving, deep step of every moment?

How do I leave it behind? What new way will it hurt this year?

When the touch of cold skin pulls me right back to that moment.

When I saw her soul leave her body behind. So deeply pushed to the back of my memory, yet floating on the surface of every move. Now where do I go from here?

How do I leave it behind?

From the loss that remains. From the emptiness. From the feeling of misunderstood. From the feeling of alone. From this small space around me not even being mine. 

 I cried that night. At the campsite. I smelled your life on the raincoat. I drowned there. I'm still drowning. I'm still waiting for the sun to lower its rays, to pull me from that darkness I found, to warm the hand you left.

How do I come to understand that you'll never be back here... How can I still not understand that.

I took your Blue Nude Picasso. I realized after all this time of loving her, that it was because she's me. She has always been me.